Romantic Comedies are Anti-Feminist

If you're a woman, you've probably spent your childhood knowing that one day you will get married to the man who will bring "happiness" to you. So you spend your formative years having learnt everything that one day the ideal bahu could bring to the household. You learn singing, dancing, painting, sewing, knitting, cooking, your education and even writing in all the languages you can speak in (you know, in case you have to write a letter to your mother in law someday) are in preparation of impressing the boys who will send you marriage proposals someday. And yet, you will spend all your life wondering if you'll ever be good enough for him and them.

I was raised with a younger sister, so we didn't really have the concept of preparing to just be the good wife. In fact, my mother is an excellent icon of how some women seem to manage it all. I was encouraged to build a career, study a degree "traditionally" male dominated and succeed with flying colors in a male dominated profession. Yet, as I near the big three-O, the only concern I have "left" for my friends and family, is that I am still single (time is running out sweetheart, you'll regret wasting your years).

As I grew up, I always imagined what my husband would be like and how he would be a certain way or say certain things. Case in point quoting snippets from a famous Bollywood song:

"Mujhse kare woh aake, pyaari pyaari baatein.
Chehre ko chaand kehde, zulfon ko raatein.

Banaras agar jaaye, saari leke hi aaye.
Pooche Dilli se hai, kya mangvaana.

Thoda sa pagla, thoda sayana."
- Thoda sa Pagla, Aur Pyaar Ho Gaya (1996)

Since he had to be all that, I certainly did not fall for every other guy I met. No sir/ma'am. I have very high standards. My criteria are clear - intelligence and a way with words play the biggest role for me. Followed of course by "a person of good character" from "the right family" (so we can ensure that our gene pool is preserved for another generation). You can tell which of those thoughts are my own. And one day, it happened. 

I met a boy. He seemed to fit it all. Just the thought of him gave me sleepless nights. But being young and naive, it was a deep attraction that lasted until a few days after we met, but it wasn't meant to be. I was convinced though that dream men exist, because of the numerous romantic comedies I was being fed and got addicted to. There was my proof! Ideal men exist. And I am as nice and sincere as the pretty girl next door female lead. If it could happen to her, it could happen to me, right (did you read that post about how she met her husband? That's soooo romantic!)???. Ah, the fantasy world of cinema, literature and social media.

Well, I`m still waiting. And I still will be.

Since then, I met some more boys, whom I fell for for one or the other reason. With some, it was meant to be while it lasted. With others, it wasn't meant to be at all (you are certainly overqualified for the Indian arranged marriage market). My experiences and the boys who did stay in my life changed my fundamental perception of both myself and my view of real relationships.

These romantic comedies are dangerous, because they prey on this very mentality that finding a man and being with him is the ultimate goal of our life. An average rom-com shows the woman as partly naive and vulnerable, the damsel in distress, who seems to actually have a lot going for her (what's the point of having a great career, personality, hobbies, etc. if you are going to spend the rest of your life alone?). But as soon as a man enters the picture, that's all she seems to eat, breathe and think about. And why not? Because that's exactly what women are taught. Not always directly by the parents, but through larger exposure to society and culture. I am guilty of being that woman myself.

But here's what I wish I had been taught instead:

- Relationships can be beautiful, but they're hard. More often than not, it's not gonna be fluffy clouds and unicorns. 

- Finding a partner is just one aspect of your life. Don't forget yourself, your career and other loved ones if you catch the love bug.

- Finding a man is easier than actually sustaining that relationship for the rest of your life. So spend the time leading up to it loving yourself, getting to know who you are so you can rely on yourself when things get difficult.

- Men are fundamentally different from women, which is both good and bad. As perfect as the man in the rom-com seemed to be, that much of emotional quotient is rare in men, a biological fact, blissfully ignored by writers. 

 - You will not be an exception for the perfect man. You will be the exception for the possibly right men.

- You will always be defined as more than just the girlfriend or the wife, if you yourself acknowledge that you're more than just a girlfriend or the wife.

- Grass is greener on the other side. Just because you envy that girl who looks single and carefree, doesn't mean she is fine by herself. Just as happy selfies on social media aren't a guarantee that someone's relationship is actually healthy.

Feminism is about empowering women, without having to bring the men down. What we need aren't just stories about women finding a man (what happens after they kiss and the movie ends?). We need stories that teach us how to nurture that relationship (you have to first find someone for that). Stories that give us a reality check about how women who seem to have it all miss out on being themselves (being yourself? that's a ridiculous notion). Stories about women being both vulnerable and successful (we women don't have time for watching movies). 

Such stories are not easy to digest right now, absolutely not. Not even for me! But we need to normalize our own stories. And get the other side to hear our side of the tale. So they can see us beyond being damsels in distress. So they will really understand, when it's okay to hold the door open for us and when not.

(All the quotes written like this are things that I've been told in real life.)

Feminism is about equality.. or is it?

Hello peoples! Hope you are enjoying the heat in that end of the world as I shiver on grey days in this end of the world. But I'm happy - I had a great birthday. And I know me as I am today, ready to journey on the paths to find inner balance, alone, and choosing to be so.

Anyway, why I write this today is after reading this wonderfully worded article about feminism, again a reaction to statements made by mainstream Bollywood actresses. But my dear author, you disappoint me deeply with your words.

Just let me be clear. According to the Oxford dictionary, feminism means the advocacy of women’s rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes and this means that the movement of feminism was brought about to help women, so that there would be equality in society and let us be very clear that this movement focused on the much needed uplifting of women in society. As a young woman of the 21st century I have many people to be grateful to and much to thank all those people, who turned the world so that women like me could be where we are today.

I don't know how feminism is perceived in the rest of the world, because places I have been to outside of India are far ahead of us in dealing with gender related discrimination. Do we need feminism in India? Yes, we do. Badly. But in a nation where corruption and lying is second nature, how can we truly trust even women, where we have had more than one instance of women lying and deceiving the rest of the world about what truly happened. Be it men who commit suicide when women threaten to complain about dowry or the famous eve teaser picture upload where the woman allegedly exaggerated in her complaint about what really happened.

It's not about the word feminism. No, not really. It's the fright of being associated with a negative term, which we, women, have exploited and misused to get away with a lot of shameful things. Those famous lines ek aurat hi aurat ka dard samajh sakti hai (only another woman can understand a woman's pain) holds true lesser and lesser with each passing day for me. I also admit that in comparison with the crimes against women by men, the numbers are definitely much lower, although growing steadily. How are we the "fairer" sex and the "better" halves then?

It doesn't matter to me if Parineeti said she doesn't want to be a feminist. But if by being a role model she encourages such movements and indeed inspires women, I'd rather take that than someone who claims to be a feminist and all she does is believe any woman without verifying facts.
I personally use the term equalism, and I always explain why I use it. Women need opportunities, but not equal opportunities. There are many things can do just as well as men, no doubt. But family and children will always be the first priority for many women. So not all women can do the typical 9-5 jobs all their employable lives.

I believe that women should be provided with opportunities such that they progress equally in society. Give them the chance to use their talents and skills more flexibly, allowing them to be just as financially independent as men. Instead of encouraging "boys will be boys", let the girls believe that there is more to their future than getting a job for a degree and preparing themselves to be 'suitable' for men, there is more than having to give up on your jobs, dreams and careers simply because you want nature to take its course to have a family.

Can we, as a society, work on these thoughts? Can we make more opportunities, more appropriate opportunities, different opportunities for women? Where women do not have to fight tooth and nail to make it to the top among men with brighter chances, but have healthy competition amongst each other because they know there are more women in their field, who could finally understand each other?

I think this was what feminism wanted to achieve in the first place.

"Happy Women's Day?"

Today is International Women's Day. A day, when all the women are made to feel important and proud of their existence. A day, when they are told of the difference they make to our lives. How, we are eternally grateful for their existence. How much, we love them.

Yet, I open my facebook news feed today to see a response video of a young woman to the controversial documentary titled "India's Daughter", published by BBC Storyville which has been banned in India. I saw the documentary too. I could not help the tears that streamed down my face, time and again, as I acknowledged very painfully for the first time - that could have been me. Those could have been my parents shedding tears over the death of their young, educated daughter. I could have been that girl accused of crossing boundaries, simply because I wore jeans instead of a saree (which, btw, exposes more of my skin than jeans with a T-shirt would) or chose to attend a concert, which unfortunately for me almost always takes place after 8pm (and not even beginning on time, in most cases).

Why should I feel proud that I am a woman from India? Just because I was fortunate to be born to well educated parents, who encouraged me to be the best I could be, resulting in me writing this post in a country far far away? How many women can claim to share a fate even half as fortunate as mine? A large number in the urban areas maybe, but compared to the entire population of India, a measly number I would say. Anytime in a discussion, when the faults of the country are compared to those doing better, we immediately say, "but oh! They do not have our culture, our values, our love towards family, our ancient heritage" and so on. I say, throw this pretense of culture down the drain. We really are an uncultured lot. 

Be it the socially regressive customs which show that men are superior women are inferior or our treatment of the old. Everyone wants to click pictures with white people, everyone wants a fair bride to be married into the family. At the same time, a dark match is judged  badly by all and black Afro-American, African and everyone who isn't white, brown or from the far east is feared and disliked. Be it spitting and littering on the streets or the driving culture on the roads, these are examples of our indifference towards the existence of other people. Let us not even get into corruption - of the big bad political figures or its existence in your and my minds. 

They say that Indians are of a very tolerant nature. How sad that we have tolerated foreign invaders since nearly an entire millennium, but have called for 6 bans in half a week because we are "offended". To me, it looks like a descent down the hill, where instead of progressing into the 21st century, we are really going back to the 14th century. But there's still hope. There is no ban on pretending everything's okay and celebrating this day!

Having said all of the above, I am grateful to whoever it was who decided to celebrate this day. Being a citizen of a country where I have had to watch every single step I take outside my house, it is very nice to be appreciated. Every single woman in my life is symbolic of something amazing and their love and support always keeps me going and reminds me, there is still hope!

To me, feminism isn't about being better than men. Feminism isn't even declaring that men and women are equal. Feminism is a movement to ensure that in societies like ours, both men and women have equal opportunities to flourish in whatever aspects of life they excel at, so that we can harmoniously live together to improve our economy, our environment and reduce our chances of losing humanity. This is feminism I support.

I don't know if things will be different tomorrow. I don't think it's easy to change the mindset of so many people. But one step at a time, I surely do hope we shed our notions of "ancient culture" and look towards creating a new, richer one.

PS: I am of the opinion that Men's day must be celebrated just as much as women's day. Certain douchebags in society cannot replace the wonderful men who do so much for me in my life.

PPS: Tried my best to summarize the thoughts churning in my head since a few days. 

PPPS: If anyone is "offended", this would technically not be written in India anyway. Go do something better with your lives.

Main Tenu Samjhawan Ki (Reprise) | Humpty Sharma Ki Dulhania | Varun Dha...

Kaise Tujhe Main Samjhau - Humpty Sharma ki Dulhania (Lyrics)

Main Tenu Samjhawan Ki (Reprise) - Humpty Sharma ki Dulhaniya

Originally sung by: Rahat Fateh Ali Khan

This version by: Siddharth Slathia



Well, since I've moved to Germany, the few "new" songs my other Indian friends play here are, to say the least, not to my taste. Hence, I was pleasantly surprised to come across this song. When I heard it for a while, it somehow brought out a lot of sorrow from my own heart (this version, more so). Not necessarily a good thing, but I'm amazed at the effect this song had on me.

This is a beautiful track in Punjabi, but my Bombay heart loves the Hindi version more. Simple and beautiful. Since I couldn't find lyrics online for this version, I thought I'll share them here. You can check out this version on YouTube too!

Kaise tujhe main samjhau,

Tere bina na jee paau,

Tune na jaana pyaar mera

Karoo main intezaar tera

Tu dil, tu hi jaan meri



Mere dil mein, rehke mere

Dil ka dard na jaane

Tere bin hum, tanha reh gaye

Rote nain hamare

Jeena mera haaye

Marna mera saath tere tha

Kar aitbaar mera,

Main karoo intezaar mera

Tu dil, tu hi jaan meri



Sooni sooni, dil ki galiyan

Sooni meri baahein

Aaja meri jaan, kehti rehti

Har pal meri yeh saansein

Tere bina haaye

Kaise karoon door udaasi

Dil beqaraar mera

Main karoon intezaar tera

Tu dil, tu hi jaan meri



I hope you liked it! :)

There are some things you crave for all your life, and sometimes, when you finally have them, they seem to disappoint; if only at times. All the wonderful threads weaving dreams but making us forget the little flaws, those little imperfections which are a law of nature, which also, unknowingly, unwantingly, weave themselves between these strands of almost perfection.

Every one says they want to go abroad, study abroad, work abroad, fulfill dreams otherwise restricted by their own culture, experience another culture, life their life growing away from loved ones, learn the hard lessons in life... I know, because I've said these words myself. And, with all the good luck that the Universe has bestowed on me, I got the opportunity to live my dream.

But you know what they don't tell you? How difficult it is going to be. You have to look out for yourself. You have to stand up for yourself. You have to deal with all these other people who don't understand your ways. You have to deal with a very "real world", the big bad-ass world we've been warned about since we were too young to know what the world could even mean.

You meet new people, you meet lovely, interesting people. People with whom you have so much in common, it's absurd that you weren't born in the same family, forget another country. People you bond with otherwise, because of your circumstances and grow to love and respect them even with all their differences. But yes, you meet people who cheat you, betray you, trick you, use you. I guess, human nature, in that sense, is pretty much consistent all over.

Then why, is it that we connect with some people and choose to ensure that they know we love them and trust them way more than all others? Where you are connected not just by blood, or family ties, or circumstances, but where you choose to seek out these people outside the usual connecting boundaries, to connect in ways which are something more than what we can even begin to describe. I think I have met some wonderful people on the journey of my life - my family and my friends, and received so much love and care and the good wishes, I will always be grateful for them in my life. These are bonds forged through
years of hard work, beating the heat of differences, blown and empowered by love and trust and moulded the way we want.

Which brings me back to what I wanted to write about. I live a very different life now. Far away from all these people it took me years to add to the treasury in my heart. And in a journey of less than 10 hours, life took them far away from me. Or shall I say, I was taken far away, hardly any contact and expected to start from level zero all over again. I know I chose it, but it's hard.

That's what I miss. Perhaps among the things I miss the most. My people. Whether it's a letter I receive by post even the age of Whatsapp or a quick 15 minute conversation to remind me that I'm strong and I shouldn't let things get to me, I'm wonderful. Or a friend who I speak to after months together and it's as if we last spoke a week back. A simple evening sharing photos of missed ceremonies with the family, and we fall back into the pattern of talking like I'm right there beside them.

As I read somewhere today, I know this holds true, and I love my people for it. "We're not close anymore, but I'm still here. Promise."

An awfully long post after a stressful week and a quiet, almost lonely weekend.

But, I'm still me. Still fighting in my own weird way. Still hanging on.

And I have my people to thank for it. ^_^

Education down the drain. . . Literally!

Let me take you back a few steps on the timeline of your life to the days when you were a kid, an age until you became a teenager and then had the freedom to blame your hormones for everything you did. What was the definition of a "good" or a "bad" girl/boy? For the sake of simplicity, (before I launch into another sexist approach of how 'man' in history in always a 'he', another complaint of a 10-year old me,) let's talk about the concepts of "good boy" and "bad boy" among children.

I remember, how it was so important for me to make sure that I was told I am a "good" girl. Or at least, it was my mission as a child to avoid being called "bad". My parents (to whom I shall be eternally grateful for making me the person I am) had very clear concepts of good and bad defined for me. Let me see how much I can recall:
Good:
1. Be respectful not only to elders but to everyone you know. As a kid, everybody from the watchmen to my father's friend was addressed as "Uncle" out of respect. Believe me, I never felt it was forced.
2. Do well in all that you do. Studying, singing, dancing, whatever it was I did. And when I did well, I was always well rewarded and appreciated.
3. Be clean and hygienic. You can do certain activities in certain places, but never throw things on the streets, amongst others.

Bad:
1. Being whiney and stubborn. I've heard a few - what's the opposite of a compliment - in my time.
2. Breaking any of the "how to be good" rules already explained.

Now, what suddenly brought this up?

I used to be the person who loved kids. I enjoyed playing with them, being strict with them and have them use their simple logic capable of defying so many of my beliefs. But now, at times, I feel like I'd rather be away from them.

An incident that happened yesterday.
I was out with my cousins near home and we happened to see a boy, around 8 years old, very well dressed standing on the footpath. The next thing we noticed about him was that he was peeing. On the street. A busy street which can block your way for 5 whole minutes with shops on all the corners of the junction! It was one of the most disgusting sights on a Friday evening at 9 on a busy road of Navi Mumbai. No parents seemed to be around. After a little debate, we decided to follow the boy to see what we could find. We thought we saw him disappear into a shop, so we checked in. One lady on the counter smiled and said yes, the boy was theirs. Good. My sister spoke to the older lady, the mother, and explained what we witnessed and to take the reins of the child in control, especially regarding this matter. While we looked appropriately shocked at the behaviour, they looked at us incredulously, at first refusing to believe. A natural reaction for a parent, okay. But I did see the transformation in their expression when they realized how serious we were - and the Lady no. 1 was smiling, almost giggling away! The mother: she looked taken aback but did not respond much to what we had to say. And oh, I never explained which shop. A MEDICAL STORE!!!! As to the kid himself, he joyfully acknowledged his (no better word in English) "kartoot" and went off somewhere again!!!?!

What is happening, people? I see kids dominating parents like never before, showing little respect to elders or, for that matter, anyone. Why is a child more "bad" than "good", today? If the "bad" is becoming the new "good", then surely tomorrow the country's civic condition will go from "bad" to "worse" and what then? Who do we blame? If at the age of 8 it's ok for him to pee on public roads, I shudder to think what his concepts of "ok" and "good" are when he grows up.

One more incident that happened in the train.
This lady got up from her coveted seat in a crowded train when the train passed the bridge to throw a bag of plastic outside. A young girl stopped her and requested her not to do so. The lady then asked her how else she could dispose the plastic bag. The girl told her that she would take the plastic bag and throw it in a bin but implored her not to throw the bag over the bridge, as it affected the marine life. The elder lady in question was a "modern" lady with a big phone, trendy salwar suit and shoulder length open hair. I was talking about children. What to do about these people?

The one lesson I can take with me from this experience is that tomorrow I will not hesitate to walk up to a parent or the adult and tell them that them or their children are defiling public property. So should you. If this is the condition of the so called educated middle class, can you imagine the condition of those not priviliged to the knowledge of hygiene and  civic sense? In our limits, let us try to put our education and civic sense to good use and help those who have forgotten for, not just a better country, but for the sake of our own humanity, before it ceases to exist as we have thought of it to be.

Tolerance Injustified

(To the men in our lives who are nice to us:  We are fortunate, and we love you for that. Thank you, for not subjecting us to what we see so many women go through around us. We love you for that.

I’ve written this where the “men” are those who control us because of our faith, are our “leaders” and decide what is good for our society.)

I have kept quiet for so long, but now, I just can’t!

I just read the news about the ban on women from entering the Haji Ali Dargah, because apparently women aren’t allowed to visit graves. And men are, why? If somebody’s body has been buried under the earth for so many years, what sort of a mystically different effect is it going to have on women? (We can't even see or smell what's inside the grave!) Also, does this imply that the men are safe around the graves? There doesn't seem to be any consideration for their well being and hygiene. Poor men!

Having lived in Mumbai for so many years, Haji Ali has always been the place I’ve seen from the road, where during the day I see hundreds of devotees walking in and out of there; by night the place lit up so peacefully, calmly reflecting itself on the ocean. In the movies it has always been a place of peace and worship for those who've lost faith. Remember the beautiful song “Piya Haji Ali”(from Fiza)- which shows the desperation of two women praying for the safety and well being of one man.

As I read somewhere on Twitter today, ideally then, women should not even be allowed to enter the Taj Mahal! So much for the romance it symbolizes. There was one man who built a palace out of marble for the beauty she symbolized for him; then there are these men, who would forever keep a woman trapped in that palace of marble, “worship” her, but never let her out or let her voice be heard or in any form get to have her way against their will.

I remember this other article I had read about the actress Jaya, who was not allowed to enter this particular temple because she fell in the age group of around 12-50. We all know that in Hinduism, women are forbidden from entering temples during those days of the month. But the authorities of this temple have taken it a step further; women are unclean for the entire time the cycle is in their life! Do they know what it is like, to feel the cramps, to deal with your heightened emotional self, to feel it leave your body? And you yourself are a result of that “unclean being’s” pain and effort, weren't you, Mr. Pure? She could have chopped you off the minute you formed the zygote in her womb. But she kept you, and you can’t respect that. THAT is the difference.

We don’t want this, we don’t ask for this. We follow these things faithfully, for we have been taught that the men in our lives are the true figures of authority, who protect us, who take care of us, who earn for us. But what do we observe? Many of them suppress our aspirations, humiliate us with a mere look in their eyes, beat and violate us. That is acceptable, isn’t it? Sadly, it is the women who take it in silently and will one day explode so violently, there will arise more stories of Durga and Kali. You men are at all kinds of wars all the time, terminating so many so dispassionately! Yet we take it in, so that our loved ones are away from harm. THAT is the difference.

And until then, if you want her to fight, to take up arms, to spill innocent blood and suppress people simply because she can, then you’re mistaken. She will not fight. She will tolerate. She will not ask. She will take what is given. She will not demand love, but only want her loved ones to be happy. But if she isn't happy, it will affect everybody she is responsible for, “take care and cook” for. She will silently keep drinking all the poison, so the men and children are safe, and go one day beyond a place from which there is no coming back. THAT is the difference.

But they won’t ever get that, will they? They don’t understand. They won’t even know! They may have IQ and PQ (Power Quotient) but they're far worse at EQ.

Men aren’t capable of treating us as equals; it’s high time we accepted that.

“Khana achha nahi bana - *sounds of beating*”.

What it really means – “Somebody hurt my petty little ego, so I’m going to take it out on you, weak tolerating woman”.

“Chhote kapde pehen ke nikli hai - *girls starts screaming*”.

What it really means – “I’m a man, my desire must be satisfied. Whatever be the means."

“She is impure, she cannot show her faith to God”

What it really means – “I will control the women. I am God”.

I’m falling short of words for the emotions I feel now. These are but a few minor examples. The truth of the daily sufferings in the life of women is something that even when public someday will fail to make a difference in the life of anybody who is like any of the men I've mentioned above.

And I shall go back to reading about these things, feeling bitter about them, yet thanking anybody I can for keeping my loved ones safe and happy.

-A woman.

(I wrote this post on 6th November, but forgot to publish it! Apologies. Please give feedback. Posted after almost a year!)